Curtain Call

I denied it.

Denied the fact that you and I may have changed beyond even spiritual recognition.

Denied that you don't love me anymore.

Denied that you're not coming back.

I was angry-

Angry at you for being unwilling to forgive when I already have,

For transgressions more numerous and painful than you can calculate in your lifetime.

I forgave you.

I saw past so many imperfections to the hopeful and loving soul that lies beneath and now I'm angry.

I bargained.

I tried to be anything and everything-

Sex kitten, aloof, emotional, delusionally domestic, persistent, pushy, patient...

It never really mattered.

I cried.

I cried a river whose source lies in the wounds rendered so long ago that it seems like a different life,

And those tears wash over more than swollen cheeks as I hope and pray that I won't always feel like a failure,

And now...

Well.

I'm supposed to accept the loss.

I've been through four stages but can't get to the fifth

Because your eyes and your words give me lift until I crash until I burn until I yearn to be done with a spiral that's taking me

Further

and

further

and

further

down into a pit that I can't just crawl out of

And the poisonous allure of maybe one day possibly we'll see

Drinks me into a state of permanent heart inebriation.

My heart is an addict to the the ghost of who you once were,

But necromancy ain't my style-

So why am I digging up graves and rolling in sins long since past?

Put me down-

Let me go-

Before I find myself dead like me.

If only I could bring myself to regret what we had...

But that little girl decorated in curls and awe renders that an impossibility.

She is the best of me

And you bring out the worst.

I'm broken and scattered to the four corners of an ugly world.

This scavenger hunt of a search expedition is perdition in its most raw and frightening form.

I can't quit you until you quit too,

And quitting was never your style.

No, you beat that dead horse until its corpse began to rot and you forgot that you couldn't ride it anymore

And you're sore from barebacking the memories of dead dreams.

This is macabre at its finest-

Dressed in black and mourning that which cannot ever return-

Can we lay this to rest?

Must we relive the pain again and again and again?

Until our skin is replaced with scar tissue so thick that Buffalo Bill would pass us by while we begged for an end?

I want out I want in

I want

and want

and want

And no returns on this investment can be found.

Cash out-

Peace out-

Blow out the windows on this unholy cathedral.

I worship this evil lusty seduction of the senses no more,

And maybe one day we'll find redemption in the arms of another who is blinded to the sufferers of a cycle that we

won't

can't

break.

Coat Check for the Sinners

I'm no prodigy

No future politician nobel prize winning artistic genius of epic proportions, bringing war to the poor and peace to the war makers decorated with awards from my stunning military choreography of resource proportion and outsourcing and divorcing my ideals from my heart

No

I'll never be a wall street shark rolling dice with people's futures taking cash under the table for a bottle of Korbel to celebrate a killing of day that'll kill hundreds in a third world country only to sleep just fine at night

No

I'm not a fashionista dropping dubs on hubs for a car you can't afford to show off razor sharp stillettos that walk all over the dignity of sweat shop sweat and blood and tears, piercing through the gauzy cries of protesters who believe that human beings deserve to be treated as humans

No

Never a singer selling out her soul for less clothing and more shame and less talent but more sales and more regrets with less to hold onto at night than an autotuned autobiography of vapid devolution noise pollution and the broken image that so many little girls look up to while cursing their freckles in tarnished bathroom mirrors

No

But I am more powerful than your laws and your money and your empty words

I

am a woman

Wrought with curves and spirit and doubts and convictions

I

am a mother

This womb has brought forth a life, which is more than most can say, and those who can will tell you that that kind of life shines a light into the darkest corners of confusion and delusion and you bet your ass that girl means more than the world ever could to me

I

am a lover

That will knock you on your ass and have you coming back for more but only in the tones of the utmost reverence and respect and- well- flattery will get you- almost- everywhere

I

am a bitch

Who will not take your bullshit advances and admonishments and abberations sitting down- no, expect the bitch slap to embrace you in pearls of clusterbombs filled with rage like you've never known and never will again as I stand by my beliefs in a way that lets me look at my daughter with a firm sense of self-respect

I

am a friend

Who holds hands and secrets and dreams in the safest place possible, wants nothing more than to shielf your beautiful heart from the ugliest this world has to and will offer up, and will not back down when you cross those closest to me

I

am a force of nature

That you cannot comprehend, control, or conceive of

I

am scared

and confused

and hopeful

and loving

and trusting

and hurting

and fucking

and crying

and laughing

and living

and that is the fucking point

So

check your expectations at the door

They are not welcome here

I Wish I Meant It

This is my goodbye.

I want it to be dignified and graceful.

I'd like you to remember it as the moment where the woman you could have had simply said, “Enough.”

Walked away, and in her wake, you found a sense of loss

I want you to realize that I was the best thing to ever happen to you

To remember all the times I wrote your papers for you in college

Or the times I bailed you out with our debate coach

The times I cleaned up after you had a wild night

Or the times I gave you wild nights all our own

The times I bent over backwards to impress your mother, your friends-

you

Or the times I took care of you when you were sick

The time I gave birth to your daughter after carrying her for nine agonizing months while you played Xbox with people you never have and never will meet

Or the times I brought her to work and class, even when you had days off

The times I made our shitty rentals into homes with Goodwill shopping trips

Or the times I was there for you when no one else was

The times when I let myself slip away so that you could be happy

Or the times I isolated myself from my family and friends because I loved you that much

The times we used to talk about the rest of our lives together

Or the times I told you how much you meant to me

The times I begged you to care enough about me- and us- to show me

Or the times I cried when you wouldn't

The times I made excuses for the way you made me feel

Or the times I pretended not feel at all until I didn't

I want you to remember all of this

I want you to feel all of this

Because I sometimes wonder if you can feel at all anymore

You see, I can't

Neglect and maltreatment has rendered nerve endings numb

Except in your presence

And the prescribed cure is distance

So, goodbye.

This is my goodbye.

I wanted it to be dignified and graceful

But through a tear stained and bruised heart, I'm not sure how much grace I can muster.

Goodbye.

Haunted Houses

I was looking

Searching and excavating

The corners of a life not yet worth exploring

For a clue or hint or

Hell, a signpost would have been nice

Something to point me in the right direction

And in the process

I found a whole lot of twisted tunnels and dead end roads

Closets with skeletons alive and kicking

Tap tap tap dancing to a rhythm of regret

Cobweb etched emotions and sharpened blades of apathy

With coats of armor brazenly boasting a sense of distance and disdain

Dreams deferred or abandoned all together

Drinking straight vodka around an out of use Ouija board

The ghosts of memories waiting for their moment to speak

Speak to self-inflicted and propagated misery and seclusion

Masks and hats stacked perilously high in rooms filled to capacity with jaded ideals and convictions

A tribute to a dozen masquerade existences

Leered knowingly in my direction

Fifteen different wedding gowns

Laced with ennui and discontent

Floated eerily before my eyes

While portraits of lovers scorned scowled from heartbroken heights above

Tarnished tiaras of fairy tale lore littering the floor of an autobiographer's ending challenged ambitions

Diaries dotted and crossed with the precision of an expert actress

Writing a disillusioned screenplay for her post-mortem celebration

Filled bookcases that would never be read

The floorboards buckling with every tear soaked step

And lights flickering in a manner that would make Hitchcock proud

This haunted life closed in on me with the suffocating stench of if onlys, buts, and apologies.

I resurfaced from this nightmare without map in hand but

Any direction away from that terrifying spectacle would be good enough for me.

Little Victories

I’m standing

A little bruised and broken, but

I’m standing

On my own two feet with gravity pulling me down and my heart’s song pulling me skyward bound

I’m standing

Soon

I’ll be dancing

Singing monologues of victory

Just dancing

Performing stories of how I snatched glory from defeat

How, waltzing, I took my life back into my hands

Because I learned to stand

I’ll be leaping

Springing, bounding through the air

I’ll be leaping

Teaching my daughter to let down her hair

I’ll be springing forth in skin tested by flames of tribulation

And I’ll know without a doubt that I have found my salvation

As I skip with my little girl through life, hand in hand

Because I learned to stand

I’ll be flying

Soaring high across a topaz sky

I’ll be flying

Using clouds for dressing and stars in place of diamonds

I’ll be flying

My soul will take off through an endless night to pull back the sun and spread the light

To bask in the glow of an angel’s wings and know the peace of belief without sight

The flames of potential fanned

Because I learned to stand

But now

I’m standing

Looking out upon the road

With bumps, potholes, hills and valleys and challenges unknown

But I’m standing

And I know with time I’ll find

Each step will bring me closer to

The day that I will fly

Epic Goodbye

THIS
Is a revelation
The realization that
I
don't need
you
anymore

This is my Superwoman moment
Minus the spandex, cause baby girl can't be doin all that
But make no mistake
These hips and tits and curves that swerve
Will knock your ass ten ways to Sunday
And you won't even see it comin.
Not because of my invisible vehicle, though
No, that ain't my style
I'll be ridin' past your sorry ass with more flash than Vanna White's pearly whites
Singing
So long, sucka!

No, this is my Scarlett O'Hara sayin to your Rhett Butler
Frankly, I don't give a good goddamn anymore
Oh dear- did I say that?
What I meant was,
get off of my petticoats
Because I'm goin places you've only dreamed of
And I will not be draggin you around for the rest of my life
Be gone, let the wind take you far, far away

No, this is my Legally Blonde ass whoopin
I will take you any day in the proverbial verbal boxing ring
Dancing complex conjunctions around your simple fragments
Float like a simile, sting like a bitch (that's me)
And with a solid right I'm in the right hook to your
Woe is me duck and dodge
It'll be a knock out lights out peace out
Catwalk of a victory lap in stilettos that read
fuck
off

This is my angry country song that would leave
Nancy, Miranda, Martina, LeAnn and Jo Dee
Proud and fist pumpin
Hell, Alannis is about to start taking notes
Because I am done
Feeling deflated, subjugated, underrated, ill-fated and obligated
To someone who doesn't, couldn't, wouldn't understand
When I said that you can take it or leave it
And it's your loss now
Because I already left and you can't take it back

So, this is my goodbye.
It's more than and everything that you deserve
Now that I've had this revelation
Realization
that
I
am worth a helluva lot more than
we.

Overture of but, if only, and regrets

So I'm sitting home alone
Mind spinning, world reeling
Not an unfamiliar sensation, these days
It's been several weeks of similar turbulence
You know, I'm usually pretty good at predicting the plot twist
But I don't see the ride slowing or steadying anytime soon

I know I made the right decision
It was between
Steady, reliable, accountable, and whole
or
Messy, intense, volatile and exhausting

It seemed a pretty easy call to make

But the problem is
He was a drug
Intoxicating with a killer hangover
And now as I shed the monkey on my back
Its claws are digging into my nostalgic artery
I'm fearful of bleeding out
As I shake and shimmy and play normal

He was bad for me
Wrong for me
In so many, many ways
What we had was sadistic, masochistic, unrealistic
And a couple of misfits trying to make it is not an option for me right now

But damn

When it was just us
Untouched by time or responsibility or,
in a very potent sense,
consciousness,
It was ethereal
My soul was shining and smiling in a way that made my spirit quake
I was on fire,
searching for fuel to fan the flames
I wanted to be engulfed in the waves of warmth that radiated from our escape

I didn't want to see the sun come up

I was content to stay tangled in bed in tangles of emotional baggage with just enough tension to make it scary
Coming up for air only to get enough to plunge in again to the heat

But

Mama always warned me not to play with matches

Because when a slight gust of tomorrow kicked up
It was an uncontrollable blaze too hot to manage
Eating away at my obligations, ambitions
And giving me the sensation of drowning without a drop of reprieve in sight
So we'd make another drink, turn the other cheek
And, after all, tomorrow is just another day, right?

Except the days add up
Disappointments, self-induced and prescribed, strung along my neck like a stale candied necklace
Rubbing raw against the pulse that made me
me

I tried rehab
But miles of distance couldn't douse the embers
I kept going back and back and back
Until my back was against a wall and it was time to
jump or drown
I jumped and
I'm still going down

I've been clean for six days now.
I still get that urge
The ache to feel that burn
But God willing, I will have the grace to accept this pang,
the courage to resist it
And the wisdom to recognize the damage it's done and will do again if given the chance

Breathe in, breathe out

Gravity requires that the ride slow down eventually.
For now, just have to hug the curves and wait.